wait....what?

The title of today's blog pretty much says it all. During my weekend excursions I often find myself in a somewhat drunken state. Last night was a pretty tame night aside from smearing pizza on a friends door and losing Topher on his birthday...but nonetheless I still awake in the morning second guessing my every word and action. My attempt at pizza art may not have been thought through very well but I absolutely hate having to question myself on whether or not I was being a complete idiot. Now this never happens when I am completely plastered because I am just going to fully assume that my behavior was moronic but its the so-so nights that give me the most grief. Did I talk too much? Was I being annoying last night? Did I say something I shouldn't have to the wrong  person? When I reflect on it now it almost seems like I have a little bit of paranoia going on when I really shouldn't. As far as I can remember I talked a friend's ear off about my ex and whatever else came to mind so if someone decides that scrutinized for something like that then I guess I wasn't talking to who I thought I was. Blah...I hate this feeling and I think I hate myself even more for feeling this way. When I told Josh that I wanted time to figure out and work on myself, this is what I meant...I don't want to be so self conscious of what people think of me that I can't even enjoy my weekends because I'm too concerned with others' opinions.  There is a difference between living and surviving and unfortunately most of us are in fact just surviving. I don't want to do that. I want to live.

nothing like a cup of joe!

In the midst of trying to understand myself and everything else that seems to happening around me, I find true comfort in one thing. Coffee. As ridiculous at it may seem, it does have some sort of calming effect on me (caffeine withdrawal???) After feeling very vulnerable last night I awoke this morning feeling somewhat better. I think my one true form of therapy is a delicate balance between coffee highs and large amounts of sleep. I'm really struggling to stay focused. While part of me would love to solve every personal conflict I have at the moment I feel obligated to put that on the back burner, at least until I have time which may not be until after I graduate...in December. So for now I am indulging in the comfort of coffee and new technology. Cheers to that!

I suck at this

Initially the idea of blogging seems as though it would be pretty simple. I mean...you type a few comments here and there and reflect on the happenings of this and that, but when you have no ambition to even muster up a few of these sentences it makes the blogging process somewhat of a pain. This is my first day using my new macbook on campus and I'm hoping that though its purchase completely drained my bank account, it will be an investment in my education this semester. I feel as though I have entirely too many things on my mind as well as on my scholastic plate this semester. It makes being productive more difficult than it needs to be. I have to admit that I am proud of myself though. I recently decided to avoid once again delving into a relationship with my ex. I felt that the lack of presence of this relationship would give me a little more piece of mind and potentially give me that edge I have been missing. So far its seemed to help. Without the continuous thoughts of Josh on my mind I basically only have a handful of things to be concerned about and they are a little less emotionally exhausting. So anyways, heres to better blogging, better studying and a better life.

new laptop blues

finally making the big purchase for a new macbook pro. Needless to say my bank account is dwindling...Oh well? I figure dropping this much money on a new laptop would have residual benefits in the future. I mean after all a functioning piece laptop has to be better than one that isn't right? If it seems like this post was done entire for reassurance that I'm making the right choice, then you would be absolutely correct.

BUSY BUSY BUSY

Bahhh!!!! I hate that feeling of knowing you have so many things you need and should be doing but yet can't seem to find the motivation. There would be no better time then now for a personal assistant to just fall from the sky and into my lap. I have so much to read, review and type up its ridiculous.Ooh and on top of that I haven't worked out in what seems like forever so that's great. The Scratch cupcake diet is not gonna help maintain my jean size. Ugh. That's the best way to describe today.

Endings and Beginnings

I would have never imagined being in the situation I am right now. Broken up from my long time boyfriend of two years and yet living in the same house, ostracized from my abundance of "friends" I had once accumulated and waiting for the next phase of my life to come hurling at me. I am not typically the type of person who waits for life to give her some sort of sign or direction but I honestly wish that life would just take the wheel for awhile. It sucks being in a situation where everyone thinks you're wrong and the rest of the duration of your life is predestined for you to always be the bad guy. December cannot come soon enough...and then I'm gonezo.