wait....what?

The title of today's blog pretty much says it all. During my weekend excursions I often find myself in a somewhat drunken state. Last night was a pretty tame night aside from smearing pizza on a friends door and losing Topher on his birthday...but nonetheless I still awake in the morning second guessing my every word and action. My attempt at pizza art may not have been thought through very well but I absolutely hate having to question myself on whether or not I was being a complete idiot. Now this never happens when I am completely plastered because I am just going to fully assume that my behavior was moronic but its the so-so nights that give me the most grief. Did I talk too much? Was I being annoying last night? Did I say something I shouldn't have to the wrong  person? When I reflect on it now it almost seems like I have a little bit of paranoia going on when I really shouldn't. As far as I can remember I talked a friend's ear off about my ex and whatever else came to mind so if someone decides that scrutinized for something like that then I guess I wasn't talking to who I thought I was. Blah...I hate this feeling and I think I hate myself even more for feeling this way. When I told Josh that I wanted time to figure out and work on myself, this is what I meant...I don't want to be so self conscious of what people think of me that I can't even enjoy my weekends because I'm too concerned with others' opinions.  There is a difference between living and surviving and unfortunately most of us are in fact just surviving. I don't want to do that. I want to live.